On-Line Fertility Mag

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Gay Parenting – Navigating the Surrogacy Journey

Interestingly enough both my partner and I entered our relationship with no expectations of becoming parents. I think part of being gay is that you sort of accept that you may never be a parent and as such part of our ‘coming out’ process included the mourning of the loss of parenthood. Instead we envisaged a life where we would live vicariously through our siblings and friends who had become parents. Being uncles and God-parents seemed to be what was in store for us.

Well, who says paradigms can’t shift? It was my sister who first planted the seed by saying ‘you two would make wonderful parents!’. Parents? Us? Why not? Books, films and various articles all paint an attractive picture of how easy it is to adopt. And so we began exploring the option of adoption. After all, here we are, both well educated, are successful in our careers and have a spacious house to share with a child. Having graduated from the University of Google with my PhD, my frame of reference said that it will be easy to find an adoption agency, we would be screened and voila – new parents within at least 3 months! Plan the baby shower, design a nursery and start screening potential nannies! Well, all of that went out of the window when we realised that there is very little information on adoption in this country, adoption agencies seem to be an urban myth and we were alarmed at the open prejudice by some organisations that will not work with same-sex couples. In addition, we felt that we did not want to explore an inter-racial adoption as the fact that the child would be raised by two dads was already, in our eyes, a unique situation. Eventually we sourced a wonderful social worker, who was willing to work us but after having gone through the screening process, home studies the waiting began. After a year of waiting, with no baby, I continued to research and came across an article about infertility featuring NURTURE who were an egg donation agency ( and at that time, had a surrogacy programme).

As I reflect on the events leading up to this, in retrospect it is amazing how the pieces of the puzzle all slotted in. I recall picking up the phone for the first time and contacted Kim. My heart was beating, my palms sweating and I held my breath when I asked the question if they would work with a same sex couple. I nearly collapsed when she nonchalantly said it was not an issue! And so we entered yet another paradigm shift, this time that we could possibly be the genetic parent to a child!

Again we entered this surrogacy-IVF process rather naively, as there is so little information out there about surrogacy and in particular about same-sex couples choosing this option to parenthood. Those that have been through the process are reluctant to share their experiences with others and you find that you proceed using your own initiative. Our surrogacy experience has been one of learning, sharing and filled with disappointments and excitement. It has indeed been a roller-coaster ride! Our advice to any intended parents would be to look for the lessons learnt with each hurdle, to stay focused on the what you are wanting to achieve and to trust your instincts! At times we became so caught up in the ‘wanting to be parents’ that we missed some of the warning signs, which had we listened to may have saved us some heart ache. This said, the highs of surrogacy for us have far outweighed any of the disappointments. Some advice that we would suggest that is given some thought is:

1. Choose your fertility clinic wisely and make sure that the IVF coordinator will have time to answer your questions and be there to answer your questions, without you feeling that you are imposing. We changed clinics and our second clinic is worlds apart from our first experience.

2. Have clear expectations with your surrogate about expectations before, during pregnancy and after the birth.

3. Find a lawyer and social worker that you can connect with as they play a vital role in the whole process.

4. Be organized ahead of time, although the Child Act has recently changed, expect some confusion at government departments when you register the birth, apply for passport etc

5. Choose a gynaecologist and hospital that understands your unique needs. Again we were fortunate to find a doctor and a hospital, that although had never dealt with a same-sex surrogacy before, were keen to help! They made the birth of our daughter a wonderful experience for our whole family and we will forever be grateful to them for this!

6. Maintain a sense of humour!

As part of the process of surrogacy, you may have to consider selecting an egg-donor. This is such a personal aspect of the whole process. Both my partner and I looked at the profiles individually and on two occasions chose the same donor and our criteria for our selection was different. It is amazing to think that although we both looked at many profiles, we both ended up with the same choice. Our beautiful daughter resembles both of us in different ways and as she gets older, we have both found ourselves commenting on how she looks like the other! Our view on this is that the right donor is out there for you and something in the profile will attract you to her. Trust that intuition! If you are considering doing the process for a second time, plan ahead and try to secure the same donor so that the children will be biological siblings.

In terms of actual parenting it is surprising how often we are asked, “Who/where is the mummy?”. This question has so many implications for us. In terms of parenting, my partner was given 3 months ‘maternity’ leave so for practical purposes we consciously made a decision that he would be the one to stay in the hospital and to do all the things normally associated with a new mum. This does not in any way infer that I have not shared the role as parent. As in our relationship, we have not labelled or assign ourselves to specific roles, instead we chose to do those things that we feel comfortable and confident with. From the very beginning we had said that we need to be comfortable with ourselves and our relationship to answer such questions. Our philosophy is that we need to cultivate confidence from within our family unit in order to face the ‘outside world with its stereotypes’. When posed with this question, we have answered, “Her moms are angels and she has two dads!”. We will share information with people on the basis of what they need to know.

Another interesting concept is that we get the question, “How much did it all cost?”. Our decision is that we will not put a price on what it cost to have our child or children. So we normally chose not to answer this question from both a moral and personal perspective. It is strange to think that these are the two most common questions but I expect that people take comfort in contextualising our family set up for themselves. After all, we have been ahead of the characters from ‘ Brothers and Sisters’ so for many people the concept of surrogacy is still new.

How are we going to answer questions from our children? Again we had a lot of time to think about such things during our adoption screening. We had our surrogate and her family do a scrap book for our daughter, so that when the time comes, we can give it to her. This may help her process the steps we took to become parents. What we have decided is to explain things in an age appropriate manner – we have made no rules but are drawn to imagery that her mum is an angel and will deal with each situation in the best manner that we can. We expect some challenges along the way, it would be naive not to. Any parent will tell you same.

We have been so blessed on our journey towards becoming parents and we are reminded each day as we look at our daughter of the special people we have met along the way. From the team at Nurture, the other professionals and naturally the egg donor and our selfless surrogate for whom the words “Thank You” do not seem enough.

A final word of advice, do not enter this process thinking it is going to be a speedy process devoid of any emotion. Be realistic, don’t lose sight of the goal posts and take lessons from any of the set-backs you may encounter! As Kim said to us in the very beginning, “Fasten your seatbelt!”.

Enjoy and the best of luck with the journey that lies ahead.

Ricky Martin's Egg Donor Has a "Good Vibe"

Los Angeles - Ricky Martin used the internet to choose an egg donor for his twin sons.

The Puerto Rican singer – who is openly gay – chose both an egg donor and surrogate mother to carry his twins after spending hours poring over internet profiles.

Explaining the process to US TV show Access Hollywood, he said: "I sat in front of the computer and I started searching. It definitely was a very beautiful journey.

"I know what the donor looks like. Yeah, it's in the computer, you sit down for hours and look at different profiles."

When asked by the interviewer what made him choose the particular donor he settled on, Ricky replied: "It's a vibe thing, you know. In this case, it was like, I feel something in her eyes and her smile. Then you read the profile and you read her letter, and where she goes to school and she's very beautiful. And she is smart as well."

Ricky also described his nerves on the day of the birth, and his elation when he heard the first cries of his newborn twins Mateo and Valentino.

He recalled: "I received a phone call 'You're gonna be a daddy today, OK?' I was not in the delivery room, but I was in the little room next to it so I could hear the first cry."

The 38-year-old star hailed the twins' birth as a "miracle" and was astonished by the surge of emotion he felt when he held the babies for the first time.

On his feelings at that moment, he said: "This is real. Woah! OK, perfect. So I want to hold them. I need to hold them.

"I went to my room and the nurse gave them to me and I started holding them and I was like, 'This is amazing. I mean, it feels incredible. There is a God. This is miraculous and they do look like me."

The Livin' La Vida Loca singer also revealed he is a very hands-on father, changing nappies, waking, bathing and feeding his children, putting them to sleep and singing to them.

SOURCE: Celebrity Wonder.com

Fertility Tourism, destination South Africa...

Prohibitive laws surrounding egg donation, the lack of available egg donors and the high cost of health care in many countries has given rise to “fertility tourism” – where hopeful parents from around the world travel to a foreign country like South Africa to undergo fertility treatment. The internet has made it easy for couples to access such services online and to apply to receive treatment.

One such reputable organization is Nurture, http://www.nurture.co.za South Africa’s premier egg donor and surrogacy program that is at the forefront of first class egg donation in South Africa. Nurture has associations with many fertility clinics in South Africa and facilitates the process of finding, choosing and matching with the egg donor.

Nurture’s database of donors is available online through a password-protected web site and contains details of our anonymous, rigorously screened donors from all ethnic groups. What makes Nurture unique is that there is no waiting list. The only wait involved is in choosing your donor and then waiting while she undergoes the various blood tests and medical examinations. Within 8-10 weeks of choosing a donor, the embryo transfer will happen.

Egg donation in South Africa has been going since 1986 and has a success rate of over 70 percent. With some of the world’s top doctors and a high quality private health care system, South Africa is a prime destination for couples to undergo fertility treatment. Fertility treatment that might cost around $30,000 in the USA will cost a fraction of this in South Africa.

Egg donation in South Africa is anonymous and the compensation to egg donors is strictly regulated, which means that donors donate for altruistic reasons rather than for financial gain. This ensures that our donors are donating for all the right reasons – to help others become parents.

Why choose Nurture and South Africa for your egg donation holiday? Well, not only are we the most qualified bunch of women to assist you in your fertility journey, but we’re also an everything-friendly company: It doesn’t matter if you are in a same-sex relationship, a not-same sex relationship or even in a no-sex non-relationship, we believe that anyone who has the love and capacity to become a parent should be afforded the opportunity to realize their dream.

The added bonus? Cape Town, where most of the medical tourism takes place has been declared one of the most ‘gay friendly’ cities in the world! http://www.southafrica.info/travel/cities/gaycapetown.htm. What better place to create your fertility journey than in one of the world’s most beautiful cities that includes both natural beauty and first-world shopping havens?

If you would like to find out more about us, browse our web site at http://www.nurture.co.za, or better yet, contact us personally: info@nurture.co.za

We would love to hear from you.

Egg donation in Cape Town

Steeped in history and set against the stunning and world-famous backdrop of Table Mountain, the beautiful, sea-side city of Cape Town is regarded as one of the top holiday destinations in the world.

Also affectionately known as the Mother City, South Africa’s oldest city is living up to that nickname in a rather literal way these days as an increasing amount of people from all over the world travel there to undergo fertility treatment.

In recent years, Cape Town has built up a fantastic reputation as an IVF and egg donor hub. The city is home to world class fertility clinics that use state of the art technology to provide service and treatment equivalent to what is offered abroad, but at far more affordable rates – even after the cost of travel had been added.

Not only is the treatment reasonably priced, but it is also highly successful, which is why Cape Town-based fertility clinics are rated among the best in the world. Another factor that makes Cape Town so desirable for egg donor fertility treatment is the instant access patients get to the large database of donors – there is no waiting list! The wait for a donor lasts only as long as it takes for prospective parents to choose a donor that meets all their requirements. Within three months of choosing a donor, future parents could already be back at home, with a baby on the way.

Although donors in Cape Town – and South Africa as a whole – remain anonymous, future parents are able to view full information of the prospective donor, including her family history, education history, medical information, etc. as well as view photographs of the donor as a baby and toddler.

The donors, who are healthy young female volunteers between 21 and 34 years of age, do receive reimbursement for their donation, but it essentially only covers incidentals they may have incurred while participating in the donor program, such as travelling to and from the clinic. The amount has been carefully regulated to ensure that donors participate for altruistic reasons only. South African egg donors are therefore not motivated by money, but are really doing this as an act of extreme kindness to make a genuine difference in someone else’s life.

South Africa’s clear legislation and ethics surrounding egg donation are additional factors that set Cape Town apart as a favourite fertility destination. This ensures that not only are the rights of the future parents and their prospective children taken care of, but the well-being and safety of the donor always remain paramount as well.

Excellent medical care, a wide range of available donors, similar cultures, the same language and a very favourable exchange rate make Cape Town the ideal destination to pursue donor egg IVF for both foreign and local fertility patients.

Many patients who do travel to Cape Town for fertility treatment opt to combine the treatment with an unforgettable holiday in one of the world’s most beautiful cities. While they wait, they can relax on the city’s many gorgeous beaches, shop, dine out, take the cable car up to take in the spectacular view from the top of Table Mountain, and take a ferry to Robben Island to see where Nelson Mandela was incarcerated for so many years. The comfort and beauty of the Mother City will definitely contribute to a stress-free, successful egg donation/IVF experience.