Gay Parenting – Navigating the Surrogacy Journey

Interestingly enough both my partner and I entered our relationship with no expectations of becoming parents. I think part of being gay is that you sort of accept that you may never be a parent and as such part of our ‘coming out’ process included the mourning of the loss of parenthood. Instead we envisaged a life where we would live vicariously through our siblings and friends who had become parents. Being uncles and God-parents seemed to be what was in store for us.

Well, who says paradigms can’t shift? It was my sister who first planted the seed by saying ‘you two would make wonderful parents!’. Parents? Us? Why not? Books, films and various articles all paint an attractive picture of how easy it is to adopt. And so we began exploring the option of adoption. After all, here we are, both well educated, are successful in our careers and have a spacious house to share with a child. Having graduated from the University of Google with my PhD, my frame of reference said that it will be easy to find an adoption agency, we would be screened and voila – new parents within at least 3 months! Plan the baby shower, design a nursery and start screening potential nannies! Well, all of that went out of the window when we realised that there is very little information on adoption in this country, adoption agencies seem to be an urban myth and we were alarmed at the open prejudice by some organisations that will not work with same-sex couples. In addition, we felt that we did not want to explore an inter-racial adoption as the fact that the child would be raised by two dads was already, in our eyes, a unique situation. Eventually we sourced a wonderful social worker, who was willing to work us but after having gone through the screening process, home studies the waiting began. After a year of waiting, with no baby, I continued to research and came across an article about infertility featuring NURTURE who were an egg donation agency ( and at that time, had a surrogacy programme).

As I reflect on the events leading up to this, in retrospect it is amazing how the pieces of the puzzle all slotted in. I recall picking up the phone for the first time and contacted Kim. My heart was beating, my palms sweating and I held my breath when I asked the question if they would work with a same sex couple. I nearly collapsed when she nonchalantly said it was not an issue! And so we entered yet another paradigm shift, this time that we could possibly be the genetic parent to a child!

Again we entered this surrogacy-IVF process rather naively, as there is so little information out there about surrogacy and in particular about same-sex couples choosing this option to parenthood. Those that have been through the process are reluctant to share their experiences with others and you find that you proceed using your own initiative. Our surrogacy experience has been one of learning, sharing and filled with disappointments and excitement. It has indeed been a roller-coaster ride! Our advice to any intended parents would be to look for the lessons learnt with each hurdle, to stay focused on the what you are wanting to achieve and to trust your instincts! At times we became so caught up in the ‘wanting to be parents’ that we missed some of the warning signs, which had we listened to may have saved us some heart ache. This said, the highs of surrogacy for us have far outweighed any of the disappointments. Some advice that we would suggest that is given some thought is:

1. Choose your fertility clinic wisely and make sure that the IVF coordinator will have time to answer your questions and be there to answer your questions, without you feeling that you are imposing. We changed clinics and our second clinic is worlds apart from our first experience.

2. Have clear expectations with your surrogate about expectations before, during pregnancy and after the birth.

3. Find a lawyer and social worker that you can connect with as they play a vital role in the whole process.

4. Be organized ahead of time, although the Child Act has recently changed, expect some confusion at government departments when you register the birth, apply for passport etc

5. Choose a gynaecologist and hospital that understands your unique needs. Again we were fortunate to find a doctor and a hospital, that although had never dealt with a same-sex surrogacy before, were keen to help! They made the birth of our daughter a wonderful experience for our whole family and we will forever be grateful to them for this!

6. Maintain a sense of humour!

As part of the process of surrogacy, you may have to consider selecting an egg-donor. This is such a personal aspect of the whole process. Both my partner and I looked at the profiles individually and on two occasions chose the same donor and our criteria for our selection was different. It is amazing to think that although we both looked at many profiles, we both ended up with the same choice. Our beautiful daughter resembles both of us in different ways and as she gets older, we have both found ourselves commenting on how she looks like the other! Our view on this is that the right donor is out there for you and something in the profile will attract you to her. Trust that intuition! If you are considering doing the process for a second time, plan ahead and try to secure the same donor so that the children will be biological siblings.

In terms of actual parenting it is surprising how often we are asked, “Who/where is the mummy?”. This question has so many implications for us. In terms of parenting, my partner was given 3 months ‘maternity’ leave so for practical purposes we consciously made a decision that he would be the one to stay in the hospital and to do all the things normally associated with a new mum. This does not in any way infer that I have not shared the role as parent. As in our relationship, we have not labelled or assign ourselves to specific roles, instead we chose to do those things that we feel comfortable and confident with. From the very beginning we had said that we need to be comfortable with ourselves and our relationship to answer such questions. Our philosophy is that we need to cultivate confidence from within our family unit in order to face the ‘outside world with its stereotypes’. When posed with this question, we have answered, “Her moms are angels and she has two dads!”. We will share information with people on the basis of what they need to know.

Another interesting concept is that we get the question, “How much did it all cost?”. Our decision is that we will not put a price on what it cost to have our child or children. So we normally chose not to answer this question from both a moral and personal perspective. It is strange to think that these are the two most common questions but I expect that people take comfort in contextualising our family set up for themselves. After all, we have been ahead of the characters from ‘ Brothers and Sisters’ so for many people the concept of surrogacy is still new.

How are we going to answer questions from our children? Again we had a lot of time to think about such things during our adoption screening. We had our surrogate and her family do a scrap book for our daughter, so that when the time comes, we can give it to her. This may help her process the steps we took to become parents. What we have decided is to explain things in an age appropriate manner – we have made no rules but are drawn to imagery that her mum is an angel and will deal with each situation in the best manner that we can. We expect some challenges along the way, it would be naive not to. Any parent will tell you same.

We have been so blessed on our journey towards becoming parents and we are reminded each day as we look at our daughter of the special people we have met along the way. From the team at Nurture, the other professionals and naturally the egg donor and our selfless surrogate for whom the words “Thank You” do not seem enough.

A final word of advice, do not enter this process thinking it is going to be a speedy process devoid of any emotion. Be realistic, don’t lose sight of the goal posts and take lessons from any of the set-backs you may encounter! As Kim said to us in the very beginning, “Fasten your seatbelt!”.

Enjoy and the best of luck with the journey that lies ahead.

Ricky Martin's Egg Donor Has a "Good Vibe"

Los Angeles - Ricky Martin used the internet to choose an egg donor for his twin sons.

The Puerto Rican singer – who is openly gay – chose both an egg donor and surrogate mother to carry his twins after spending hours poring over internet profiles.

Explaining the process to US TV show Access Hollywood, he said: "I sat in front of the computer and I started searching. It definitely was a very beautiful journey.

"I know what the donor looks like. Yeah, it's in the computer, you sit down for hours and look at different profiles."

When asked by the interviewer what made him choose the particular donor he settled on, Ricky replied: "It's a vibe thing, you know. In this case, it was like, I feel something in her eyes and her smile. Then you read the profile and you read her letter, and where she goes to school and she's very beautiful. And she is smart as well."

Ricky also described his nerves on the day of the birth, and his elation when he heard the first cries of his newborn twins Mateo and Valentino.

He recalled: "I received a phone call 'You're gonna be a daddy today, OK?' I was not in the delivery room, but I was in the little room next to it so I could hear the first cry."

The 38-year-old star hailed the twins' birth as a "miracle" and was astonished by the surge of emotion he felt when he held the babies for the first time.

On his feelings at that moment, he said: "This is real. Woah! OK, perfect. So I want to hold them. I need to hold them.

"I went to my room and the nurse gave them to me and I started holding them and I was like, 'This is amazing. I mean, it feels incredible. There is a God. This is miraculous and they do look like me."

The Livin' La Vida Loca singer also revealed he is a very hands-on father, changing nappies, waking, bathing and feeding his children, putting them to sleep and singing to them.

SOURCE: Celebrity Wonder.com

Entrepreneurs SA with FNB and 567 Cape Talk

Infertility is a growing common problem. About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Tertia Albertyn from Nurture, features as today's finalist in Entrepreneurs SA with FNB and 567 Cape Talk Radio. You can listen to the on air interview with Cape Talk held today here.

Tertia Albertyn understands the importance of having children – she had to go through nine in-vitro fertilisation procedures before realising her own dream. Her experience with infertility led directly to the formation of the Nurture Egg Donor Programme, based in Durbanville.

Tertia says Nurture is run by a fabulous group of women, who make a formidable team and put their hearts and souls into providing a truly excellent service for the would-be parents. She says that this is the best job in the world, as they help people to make babies!

The organisation takes pride in providing the best care and support for the donors and the intended parents, facilitating the process from application through to donation and beyond. In a nutshell, says Tertia, we care, we call, we write, and ultimately, we rock!

The company has a comprehensive database of quality egg donors from all ethnic groups and is associated with all the leading fertility clinics across SA. Discrimination is frowned upon and clients include single parents, gay couples and even straight, married couples.

SA is rated as one of the top 10 medical tourism destinations, so reproductive tourism offers a huge opportunity. Tertia is looking for mentorship to take the business to the next level and compete with international fertility destinations. This would include web development, entrepreneurial skills and a clever, cutting edge marketing and PR campaign. Nurture is also always looking for suitable donors. You can check out the requirements on http://www.nurture.co.za/.

Egg Donation - Giving the gift of life

For 85% of the population, making a baby requires little more than a kiss, a cuddle and a few meaningful moments (or longer if you are lucky). For some it requires even less. However for 15% of the population it requires a bit more than the kiss, cuddle and sex routine. For some it takes months and even years. And for the heartbroken few, no matter how many times they do the baby-making dance, absolutely nothing happens. That is when hopeful mothers-to-be turn their hopes to assistance of another kind – egg donation.

The first successful egg donation in humans was achieved in 1984 and represented a major breakthrough in modern reproductive treatment. It gave hope to many women who were unable to conceive using their own eggs.

As egg donation comes out of the closet and becomes more mainstream, and as infertility issues are steadily on the increase, the demand for egg donors is increasing.

Although egg donation has been around for many years, it was previously aimed mostly at the international medical tourists who were among the few wealthy enough to afford it. But all that has changed with the launch of a new egg donor program in South Africa, one that is aimed specifically at local egg donors and future parents.

Nurture Egg Donor Program is the brainchild of two of the most passionate people in the world of infertility. Tertia Albertyn, an infertility patient who conceived her twins on her 9th IVF and Melany Bartok, an ex egg donor herself.

“We wanted to create an egg donor program that was affordable and available to local couples”, says Tertia. “Infertility is something I am passionate about. Helping others gives some kind of meaning and sense to all the pain and loss I went through”.

An egg donor is a healthy young woman who is between the ages of 20 and 34. These special young women donate a few of their eggs to a recipient who is unable to produce eggs from her own ovaries. Following their removal, the eggs are fertilized with the recipient’s male partner’s sperm or with donor sperm. The resulting embryos are then placed into the recipient’s uterus. She then has the amazing opportunity of becoming pregnant, carrying, and delivering a child to finally create the family she has so long hoped for. A donor gives one of the most beautiful gifts possible—the gift of potentially growing a family.

The first step in the process is for the potential donors to complete an initial application (available online at http://www.nurture.co.za/), which is used to screen issues like weight (donors may not be either under weight nor overweight), health, menstrual cycle and contraception. If these criteria are met, donors then complete a comprehensive application with full medical history, genetic heritage, physical and personal characteristics of themselves and their genetic family, their reasons for wanting to donate etc. Once approved, a face to face information session is scheduled in which donor are fully informed of entire process involved – what to expect, what is involved, what, if any, the potential risks are. If the donor decides they want to go ahead with the process, their anonymous profile is made available to view by potential recipients.

Once a donor has been chosen by the intended parents, she has to undergo a psychological assessment by a registered psychologist, as well as a full medical with the fertility clinic, including various blood tests etc. It is only after this process that the donation goes ahead. None of these costs are borne by the donor.

As is evident by the description above, the application and selection process for becoming an egg donor is a fairly rigorous one. “We want to make sure these young women are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy enough to undergo egg donation”, says Melany. “It is not a decision to be taken lightly, but most of our donors return for a second and third donation because they realize what a meaningful gift they are giving”.

Donors are compensated ZAR5,000 for their time, travelling costs and any inconveniences experienced during the donation process. This figure is guided by the South African Medical Ethics Committee and is not intended to pay for the eggs donated as donors donate their eggs as a gift of hope, not for monetary reward. The compensation also does not even begin to come close to reflecting the immense gratitude the Intended Parents feel.

“Egg donation is a truly wonderful thing; it gives hope where there previously was none. There are an increasing number of women out there who can finally call themselves ‘mother’ because of the generosity of others. We are honoured to be part of this process”.

For more information on the egg donor program, please visit http://www.nurture.co.za/

Melany Bartok
Melany has unparalleled insight into the world of egg donation. Not only is she the country’s leading Egg Donor Director, but having donated twice herself, she intimately understands the thrill and privilege of a being chosen as an egg donor. Melany’s honest, passionate and dedicated relationship with her donors is at the heart of her success. Melany lives in Table View with her two charming huskies and equally charming husband. Contact Melany on melany@nurture.co.za or 0766 848489

Tertia Albertyn
Tertia Albertyn is a recovering infertile and now mother to twins conceived on her 9th IVF. She has written extensively about her personal experience with infertility, both on her award winning blog (http://www.tertia.org/) and in her book ‘So Close’, detailing her five year battle to conceive. She is passionate about infertility, and has dedicated her time to assisting those who are still in the trenches. Tertia has a MBA from the University of Cape Town, and lives in Durbanville with her husband and two children. Contact Tertia on tertia@nurture.co.za or 0824418639

Black women flock to be egg donors

Fourfold increase seen in practice once regarded as 'culturally taboo'

Young black women in South Africa are "reaching out to desperate couples" like never before in an attempt to help them have children.

The demand for black female egg donors has skyrocketed, with four times as many black women becoming donors - a far cry from recent years when it was considered "culturally taboo".

Black women now make up half of all new egg donors in South Africa, representing a fourfold increase from previous years.

A snap survey has revealed that women aged between 21 and 35 are flocking to egg donation agencies to help infertile women realise their dream of having their own babies.

Four fertility agencies this week revealed that, on average, 80 new applications from potential donors were received each month.

Tertia Albertyn, founder of Nurture, a donation agency in Cape Town, insisted that the women on her list genuinely wanted to help others and were not swayed by money - donors can expect to pocket about R5000 per egg cycle.

She also said there was a great demand for black babies.

"Black women, like their white counterparts, are now having children later in life, which often results in ovarian failure, particularly due to age.

"And, from a demographic point of view, you're going to have more black people needing black egg donors."

However, she said the issue of egg donation was still not openly discussed among black women.

"Most (black recipients) choose not to talk about it. A women's fertility is integral to how she is perceived in society. Her worth as a woman or wife is tied up with her ability to conceive."

Five-times donor and bank consultant Sibongile Quvane's first egg donation in 2006 resulted in a successful birth to a British couple.

The 34-year-old single mother from Summer Greens in Cape Town said she felt "fulfilled" that she had been able to make "a positive difference to the lives of a couple who were desperate to have a baby".

In the aftermath she also successfully requested a meeting with the recipient couple.

"What touched me the most is the joy that the mother felt, the way she expressed herself and her emotions. She was so grateful and thanked me repeatedly," said Quvane.

She said she had been emotionally prepared for the process and did not feel any attachment to the baby.

"There never was any attachment. I'm not affected by it and I don't have days where I sit and think about the child.

"I'm not the one who gave birth to the child and I believe that the one who gives birth to the child is the true mother."

She said she felt a sense of pride knowing that she had played a role in giving something to those in need.

"What I've done is priceless." Quvane has since donated her eggs four more times.

Read more...... Times Live: By SUBASHNI NAIDOO

Baby born from 20-year-old frozen embryo...

Cryopreservation was once the domain of sci-fi novels and B-rate movies. (Think Encino Man.) Frozen embryos are something of a new ethical frontier in IVF. Because of improved fertility drugs and lab techniques, the average IVF cycle now yields more embryos than it once did. Many of those end up in the freezer, where they keep remarkably well.

It’s increasingly real, as the recent birth of a healthy boy from a frozen embryo created 20 years earlier shows. The birth, which is reported in a study in the online edition of the journal Fertility and Sterility, sets a record. Until now, no embryo frozen for this long has resulted in a live birth. Go science! [popularscience]

Fertility Tourism, destination South Africa...

Prohibitive laws surrounding egg donation, the lack of available egg donors and the high cost of health care in many countries has given rise to “fertility tourism” – where hopeful parents from around the world travel to a foreign country like South Africa to undergo fertility treatment. The internet has made it easy for couples to access such services online and to apply to receive treatment.

One such reputable organization is Nurture, http://www.nurture.co.za South Africa’s premier egg donor and surrogacy program that is at the forefront of first class egg donation in South Africa. Nurture has associations with many fertility clinics in South Africa and facilitates the process of finding, choosing and matching with the egg donor.

Nurture’s database of donors is available online through a password-protected web site and contains details of our anonymous, rigorously screened donors from all ethnic groups. What makes Nurture unique is that there is no waiting list. The only wait involved is in choosing your donor and then waiting while she undergoes the various blood tests and medical examinations. Within 8-10 weeks of choosing a donor, the embryo transfer will happen.

Egg donation in South Africa has been going since 1986 and has a success rate of over 70 percent. With some of the world’s top doctors and a high quality private health care system, South Africa is a prime destination for couples to undergo fertility treatment. Fertility treatment that might cost around $30,000 in the USA will cost a fraction of this in South Africa.

Egg donation in South Africa is anonymous and the compensation to egg donors is strictly regulated, which means that donors donate for altruistic reasons rather than for financial gain. This ensures that our donors are donating for all the right reasons – to help others become parents.

Why choose Nurture and South Africa for your egg donation holiday? Well, not only are we the most qualified bunch of women to assist you in your fertility journey, but we’re also an everything-friendly company: It doesn’t matter if you are in a same-sex relationship, a not-same sex relationship or even in a no-sex non-relationship, we believe that anyone who has the love and capacity to become a parent should be afforded the opportunity to realize their dream.

The added bonus? Cape Town, where most of the medical tourism takes place has been declared one of the most ‘gay friendly’ cities in the world! http://www.southafrica.info/travel/cities/gaycapetown.htm. What better place to create your fertility journey than in one of the world’s most beautiful cities that includes both natural beauty and first-world shopping havens?

If you would like to find out more about us, browse our web site at http://www.nurture.co.za, or better yet, contact us personally: info@nurture.co.za

We would love to hear from you.